Confrontational

Standard

WARNING: language

I’ve been confrontational all day. I don’t know why.

I’m fighting to fight, I’m responding to questions belligerently and I can’t stop myself, I’m angry at being angry at being angry, and it’s a never ending cycle that’s resulted in shouting matches and me getting absolutely livid at the drop of a hat. (Or, in one case, literally the drop of a fork as I was emptying the dishwasher.)

My wife challenged me to write about how I’m feeling today. I feel terrible. I feel subhuman. I feel like I don’t deserve her and I don’t deserve anything whatsoever decent of good. I deserve all manner of awful, terrible things happening to me because I hate myself today and I hate myself because I hate myself. I cannot stop this cycle, I do not have the tools in the tank to fight my own brain when it starts doing this.

And that’s about it. I’m not eloquent when it comes to my feelings. I can’t form more words than what I have here.

But at least I figured something to write about today so I don’t break my fucking streak.

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