Rough Evening, Rough Morning

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Last night my wife came home very upset at something that happened during her day and raised her voice. My first response was to try and figure out what I needed to do to fix her problem, and I said that I would if I could, and that upset her more. She asked if I could cook, and I said sure, then she walked that back and said that she should cook and clean up because she was mean to me, which just gave her something else to beat herself up over. By the time dinner was done I was of the mindset that I needed to be available to her if she needed me, but that I couldn’t actually do anything on my own to pass the time. So I stared at Facebook over and over until she was ready for bed, which was about four hours’ time.

When we went to bed she asked why I didn’t do anything and I told her, and that just renewed things. We finally managed to get things smoothed over and we went to sleep cuddled next to one another, my arm wrapped around her as we slept.

This morning I woke up to my alarm for vitals and meds and was in a good mood, but the events of last night came back in a flood and I felt bad for my part in what had happened, so I did my vitals and meds and went back to sleep, only halfway feigning drowsiness. I woke a few hours later and was still in the same mindset, so I had breakfast and went back to sleep for another couple of hours.

Sleep seems to be a way to run from the problem instead of facing it head on, but sleep also has the power to reset a lying brain, since it’s a fresh start once you wake. It took the third try for me to wake up and finally shake last night’s events.

Not every time I go back to sleep early in the day is an attempt at a reset, but sometimes it is. I don’t need to have had a bad day previously; sometimes a bad dream can trigger negative thoughts that need to be switched off. Sometimes – more often than I’d like to admit – I wake up overtly thinking that “today’s going to be a great day” and somewhere in the process of my first few minutes, that feeling fades away completely. I wish I knew why. Maybe it’s because I wake up in pain and the pain erodes that awesome feeling I have when I arise. Maybe it’s because my lying brain weasels kick in and do everything they can to sabotage me from having a good day. More likely, it’s a combination of both of those and just a natural mood swing – the thing about having bipolar disorder is that mood swings can happen for absolutely no reason, with no trigger at all.

But now, on this third attempt to start my day, I seem to have shaken the negativity of yesterday. Good thing, too, I’m on the air in a few hours and it shows if I’m in a bad mood while broadcasting.

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