Transmission Trouble

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Recently I’ve been kinda coasting. I make these grandiose plans that in reality aren’t so grandiose at all, and then wind up not doing anything about them.

It’s kinda like my gears are grinding, and power isn’t making it from the engine to the wheels. I’ve got a lot of great intentions, but I’m not getting far with them.

Just last week I professed that I was re-engaging the use of my checklist, my little black book of survival, to help right what’s wrong. I was very energetic about getting everything done and starting a new streak of completion days.

That burst of energy lasted all of a day before I came crashing down to earth.

To be fair, I’m doing better than I have been in the past when in similar situations. There was a time not long ago that whenever I would have an off day, I’d be longing for a pain-free way to just slip away, and lamenting the fact that ending it would require one more burst of suffering, and even then success wasn’t guaranteed. Lately the suicidal ideations have been replaced with an extreme malaise and a sense of just going through the motions to get through the day. Used to be when I was really down, I’d often forget my medications – not on purpose, I just wouldn’t have the follow-through mentally to remember to take them, even with an alarm set. Now I can’t remember the last time I missed a dose – October, maybe; maybe earlier? – and it’s so hardwired in me now that it would likely throw me off for days, not because of the missing chemicals in my system, but because the status quo had been that deeply upset.

So, once more, I find myself explaining my recent shortcomings and recommitting to doing better.

This time, though, I’m not starting with a grand scheme to make TODAY the day I turn my life around and improve everything that’s wrong with my life. I think that I’m not at a point where I can realistically look to the future and see a lot of progress. I just need to make it through today. And that’s my goal. I’m going to see today through. I’m going to do my level best to complete my checklist today, without concern about making it into the beginning of a streak or the start of the next era of greatness in my life.

I’m just going to try and make it through today.

Then tomorrow, I’ll see how I feel about making it through tomorrow. And so on.

It’s a little humbling to know that I can’t look beyond today to make plans or goals. My last post was all about being ready to seriously look into returning to the workforce part-time by the end of the year. I still intend to do that, but that doesn’t mean that I need to figure out that plan by the time I go to bed today. I just need to get through today, and worry about today, and today only.

I can handle a day at a time. And really, when you think about it, that’s about all any of us can do. I’m no different than anyone else in that respect. The difference comes in what I can put into a day. Right now, that’s not very much, and I need to acknowledge that I’m not going to be able to do as much with my day as most other people, and I need to be okay with that. But I’m doing the best that I can, even when that’s just going through the motions long enough for it to be an acceptable time to go to bed. And my best is all I can do. Today, the goal is to be better than yesterday. (With the news of David Bowie’s death yesterday, surely today has got to be better. I’ll write more about my thoughts about the Thin White Duke in a subsequent post.)

One day at a time. And today, I can handle today.

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