Faithful followers of this blog might have noticed there’s not really been much to follow over the past six weeks, and well, there’s a reason. Not sure if it’s a valid one, but here goes.
Around the beginning of August, roughly around the last time I wrote, I ran out of one of my medications. I have two refills sitting at the pharmacy waiting for me to fill them, but the prescription is written in such a way that my insurance won’t cover it, and filling it out of pocket would cost me well over $300, something I don’t appear to have lying around or stuffed in the cushions of the couch. Now, to be fair, I don’t think that one led to the other, but around the same time my mood absolutely crashed through the floor. I stopped following my checklists. I stopped taking my vitals some days. There were even a couple of days I was so unmotivated I didn’t even take my medication. I spent days on end sleeping until I was hungry, eating a little something, and then going back to bed. I went weeks without doing anything I wanted to do, mostly because I either didn’t feel like I deserved to have fun or (most likely) because I just didn’t have the desire or energy to bother with trying to entertain myself.
Further complicating this issue was the fact that I had a wedding to attend over Labor Day weekend (for my followers outside the US, this year that fell on September 4-7). It means almost non-stop socialization with family members that largely don’t understand how much I struggle with social anxiety, and I was working myself into an absolute meltdown over things the closer the event got. My rational mind kept repeating over and over that every time I go to visit family, I work it up to be a considerably bigger deal than it turns out being, and that the actual visit winds up being enjoyable and relatively stress-free. Because this was a very special occasion, however, I couldn’t stop my mind from obsessing over “what if?”
Well, as my rational brain predicted, the wedding went off without a hitch (except, you know, the one that’s supposed to happen at a wedding) and I had a good time visiting with everyone. Irrational crisis averted.
Once the wedding was over and I was back home, the problem became how fatigued I was in the aftermath of all that tension letting go. I spent another couple weeks trying to tell myself “it’s time to get back on book, time to reconnect with my daily routine, time to actually get back to watching what I eat.” (I had gotten out of the habit of eating healthy in favor of comfort eating during the worst of my stress, and I gained back a few pounds that I had initially lost in preparation for going to the wedding.)
But now things are returning to normal. I’m not so fatigued anymore, although I do tend to take a nap in the afternoon or sleep particularly late, and it’s time to get back on track with my daily routine. Part of that is getting back in the habit of writing again.
This is going to be a struggle, because it took me months to really get in the swing of faithfully doing my checklists of daily activities, but I know that I can do it again, because I did it before. I miss my daily routine, rudimentary as it was. It kept me focused, it kept me from feeling lost and aimless as I went through my day. I’m looking forward to re-establishing these positive habits in the next few weeks.
And honestly, I missed writing to you.