On Tuesday I went to the local SCA fighter practice. It wasn’t the nightmare that I had worked it up to be, and I got a lot of hugs from people that I didn’t expect. It was a good experience, and I’m looking forward to going back next week. There, there’s your follow-up. Now onto current mental exercises.
I hear a lot of people who have tales of friends and loved ones telling them to “just get over” their mental health issues, that it’s “all in your head.” I have been exceptionally fortunate in that I don’t have any detractors that have told me such things to my face, although I’m sure someone, somewhere is saying it privately about me.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I have one person who pops up every now and then to tell me even worse things. “You’re making it all up.” “Stop faking it.” “Just man up and get out there and do the things you’re supposed to be doing.” “Quit being lazy.” I wish I could ignore this person but it seems they find the worst possible time to tell me these horrible things, always when I’m already down on myself and everything they say is just kicking me and piling on.
That person is myself.
I wish I could explain why I do this to myself, why I can rationally say I’m doing the best I can with every day but yet in the midst of an irrational moment irrationally tell myself that the very thing that I’m experiencing isn’t real. It’s like my brain gets into argumentative mode and just locks onto anything that will talk to it, be it outside or inside my head.
Does anyone else experience this behavior, where they become instantaneously hostile toward anything anyone else says, no matter how innocuous the statement is, and the hostility circles in on itself to where you start looking for things to fight against?
It’s one of the most aggravating behaviors I experience with my mental health, the self-denial of my own symptoms, and I haven’t found any reliable way of fighting it off. In the moment, I tell myself “no, of course I’m not faking it” but that lying voice in my brain will not listen and insists on trying to tell me that all the stuff that’s in my head is all in my head but not the way that I think it is and ARGH it’s so frustrating.