“What do you want to do?”
This is a hard question for me to answer most of the time. I either want to do something that I know my anxiety won’t allow me to do, want to do something that we don’t have the money for, want to do something that I don’t know how to go about doing, or (most likely) can’t bring myself to admit that I want or deserve to do anything.
Sometimes it’s an issue of not checking in with others to see if what I want to do is alright with them. I just assume it won’t be, because otherwise why wouldn’t they suggest it themselves? Sometimes it’s a question of trying to figure out what the other person wants to do so I can suggest it to them so they know that what they want to do is okay, which requires psychic powers I haven’t (yet) developed.
Why is it my mind blocks this pathway to pleasure and contentment? Is it because I was abused and bullied so often in my life? Is my measure of pleasure and reward that badly in need of calibration?
I want to fix this aspect of myself, but I don’t know how. I also don’t know to determine if I’m happy or just distracted. I get distracted a lot, so that I’m not thinking about my problems, and that’s really been the closest definition of happy that I can come up with.
I want to be happy. Why won’t I let myself?
I have a few loyal readers of this blog, and I ask you: Do you ever experience times when your brain tells you that you can’t/don’t deserve/shouldn’t be allowed to be happy? How do you allow yourself to be happy during times that you’re not? How do you swing that pendulum the opposite way? How do you tell yourself it’s okay to gain pleasure from your environment and the people and things in it?