May 20, 2015: Three Good Things

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1. My wife started a new job today. I know that’s technically not my good thing, but it does mean that there’s considerably more wiggle room in the budget from this point forward, and that means less stress about finances. And that’s a good thing for both of us.

2. I was going to drive my wife to work (we only have one car) so I could try to do something outside the house today, but the thought of leaving started a panic attack. I was able to get it under control before it went completely off the rails into total irrationality.

3. I eventually did leave the house, during the evening to go dink on the computer at a local Starbucks. I was itchy the whole time, but I think I hid it well. It was the threat of getting caught in a thunderstorm and the insanely uncomfortable barstools at Starbucks that finally had me heading for the door. Thankfully my wife was there to make sure that I stayed calm when things started getting a little antsy.

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Apprehension Sets In

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Recently I’ve been discussing the projects that I have either already undertaken or am considering undertaking. And I realized where my uncertainty of late is coming from.

With regard to the project that I’ve already undertaken, I have a concrete plan of what I want to accomplish. There are a half dozen objectives that I’m working toward that I hope will improve the quality of events in my chosen hobby. The project that I’m researching has so many steps that all need to be taken in a precise order that I’m overwhelming myself having just started my research.

Keep in mind that it’s still a challenge for me to hit everything on my checklist on a daily basis. This involves taking my vitals and my medications throughout the day, personal hygiene morning and night, eating three meals a day, walking, writing, getting my to-do list done, yoga (or stretching, I might be in transition based on my body’s more pressing need to increase my range of motion), noting my good things throughout the day, leisure, and getting into bed before midnight. That’s not that big of a list, and yet I regularly fail to do at least two or three things on that list. Now, I’m taking my meds without fail, and I’m catching my vitals almost all the time. But the other stuff I have problems remembering, even eating sometimes.

And I’m looking at creating a volunteer office and a nonprofit organization out of nothing? How dare I presume I have the energy for this?

But I have to remember, that everything is done in tiny little chunks, and that one step leads to another. I can’t get bogged down by the overall scope of what I’m trying to accomplish; I just need to focus on the one part that’s in front of me right now.

When this is all said and done, I know that these two projects are going to be part of the legacy I leave behind. It’s important that I do them well. But as for today, I’m out of energy and I’m out of spoons and it’s time to do something mindless and fun, even though I haven’t hardly done anything at all today toward anything productive. (I’ve been tired and in pain a lot of the day.) My day’s big accomplishment is that I’ve been able to pull it together long enough to pack up the laptop and head out to a Starbucks. The question is how long I can stay here and be out and about before I completely freak out and we have to pack up and head home. The weather is starting to become a factor as well, so I’m trying to stick it out until we have to go home due to an incoming thunderstorm.

On the plus side, though, my head is doing better than my butt is. Starbucks should really think about some more comfortable barstools in their establishments.