Surrender

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To my Facebook and Twitter followers that get the blurb that I posted here, please come read what I have to say.

It’s Friday night and I’m convinced that I am a terrible human being because I don’t possess a skill that I desperately want to have, and can’t allow myself to learn because I don’t want to impose or slow anyone else down while I’m on a learning curve at the beginning of a skillset that many of my friends learned in high school or earlier. I denied myself food, I denied myself water, I denied myself anything whatsoever that could be deemed pleasurable, I even refused my medications for the first time in months. (I was eventually talked into taking them, so that’s no longer a concern.)

I’m tired of feeling like I’m an imposition on people. I’m terrified of starting up conversations with anyone locally because I’m convinced that if they wanted me to be a part of their lives, they’d reach out to involve me. So I hermit more and more in the apartment and it’s now a major achievement when I can leave the house long enough to go eat out (it has to be an uncrowded restaurant) or go to the grocery store. I’m canceling doctors’ appointments and therapist’s appointments because I’m scared of leaving the house, of being in the way, of being a bother to everyone that I come across. And I cannot shake this feeling. It’s been simmering under the surface for months, but tonight it came to a head.

I had plans tonight. I canceled them because I didn’t feel like anyone would want to bother with my company and I felt like I would have been a drag to anyone I associated with. I’ve received a phone call from one of my dearest friends and I was too scared to pick up the phone and say hello. My mind kept telling me I’m in trouble and nothing I can say or do will get me out of it.

I’m noticing more and more people who have offered their support pulling away the worse I’m getting. I suppose it’s what I deserve. If I’m not going to put on a brave face and be approachable, why the hell would anyone want to be around me anyway?

But now it’s reached an inward spiral from which I don’t think there’s a way of escaping. I feel like I’m in the way, yet I’m constantly letting people down by not being around.

My brain lies to me and I’m not getting the help I need to keep it from doing that anymore.

I don’t know where I was going with this. Sympathy, perhaps? Explanation? I dunno. I’m just rambling and no one wants to hear the lamentations of the mentally ill, so I’ll just shut up.

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4 thoughts on “Surrender

  1. Liz

    Ahhhh I totally get it! Depression is such a vicious cycle. They do want to see you, they just don’t know how. It’s a tough cycle to break. Can you take one step tonight? Maybe call that friend back?

    Like

  2. Love, you’re not just screaming into the void. I think of you, and, when I don’t hear from you for a while, I pray that you’re hanging in there. I hope you get this message and know that I’m not lying when I say I miss you, and still love you, my friend, even when the black dog has you in his grip.

    Like

  3. Susan/Grrl

    If we didn’t want to hear what you had to say, we wouldn’t click on the link. You are loved, you are not an imposition, you are enough, just the way you are. I have been an acquaintance for years… I value you because your soul is brilliant and you make my heart happy. Please know that you and your wife are in my thoughts and a candle burns for you on my altar often.

    Like

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