Surrender

Standard

To my Facebook and Twitter followers that get the blurb that I posted here, please come read what I have to say.

It’s Friday night and I’m convinced that I am a terrible human being because I don’t possess a skill that I desperately want to have, and can’t allow myself to learn because I don’t want to impose or slow anyone else down while I’m on a learning curve at the beginning of a skillset that many of my friends learned in high school or earlier. I denied myself food, I denied myself water, I denied myself anything whatsoever that could be deemed pleasurable, I even refused my medications for the first time in months. (I was eventually talked into taking them, so that’s no longer a concern.)

I’m tired of feeling like I’m an imposition on people. I’m terrified of starting up conversations with anyone locally because I’m convinced that if they wanted me to be a part of their lives, they’d reach out to involve me. So I hermit more and more in the apartment and it’s now a major achievement when I can leave the house long enough to go eat out (it has to be an uncrowded restaurant) or go to the grocery store. I’m canceling doctors’ appointments and therapist’s appointments because I’m scared of leaving the house, of being in the way, of being a bother to everyone that I come across. And I cannot shake this feeling. It’s been simmering under the surface for months, but tonight it came to a head.

I had plans tonight. I canceled them because I didn’t feel like anyone would want to bother with my company and I felt like I would have been a drag to anyone I associated with. I’ve received a phone call from one of my dearest friends and I was too scared to pick up the phone and say hello. My mind kept telling me I’m in trouble and nothing I can say or do will get me out of it.

I’m noticing more and more people who have offered their support pulling away the worse I’m getting. I suppose it’s what I deserve. If I’m not going to put on a brave face and be approachable, why the hell would anyone want to be around me anyway?

But now it’s reached an inward spiral from which I don’t think there’s a way of escaping. I feel like I’m in the way, yet I’m constantly letting people down by not being around.

My brain lies to me and I’m not getting the help I need to keep it from doing that anymore.

I don’t know where I was going with this. Sympathy, perhaps? Explanation? I dunno. I’m just rambling and no one wants to hear the lamentations of the mentally ill, so I’ll just shut up.

Advertisements

Crisis of Conviction

Standard

I’ve been a terrible blogger.

I haven’t written in my blog in almost a month, and it’s been a rough month for me. I’ve been filled with self-doubt, self-hatred, and plagued with the conviction that if I don’t wake at 6:30 to start my day with my vitals routine the entire day is shot, so why bother … which of course continues to fill the self-hatred.

I tried readjusting my schedule to wake up later, and the first workday that I did that my wife missed her alarm and wound up late to work, something that she really cannot afford to do right now. So I moved it back.

I’ve tried staying up overnight to get tired enough to go to bed at a decent hour the next night, but I keep napping half the day away and staying up half the next night.

I’ve tried sleeping pills to correct the problem and they either don’t work or knock me out entirely too long (usually the latter).

So I’m torn about what to do here at 2:00 in the morning.

I’m not sleepy, I’m not tired, and yet … I don’t know what I should be doing except sleeping and being tired. Which means being awake is the wrong thing for me to be doing.

I’ve been trying to post this entry for nearly a week now, and I keep getting interrupted by things that are more important than blogging.

Do I keep struggling with trying to make my life better, or do I just accept that this is how I’m going to be for the rest of my life and let it consume me?

I’m so full of self-doubt right now, and it’s bleeding over into my other relationships. Friends can tell something is wrong but it’s not something we can discuss very easily.

I just want to cry.

I want to feel something, anything, besides lost and confused.

Every time I try to do something productive it gets lost in the shuffle and I don’t give myself credit for having done the thing. I just kick myself and tell myself why it shouldn’t be a struggle for me to do whatever it is I just busted my ass trying to do.

I just wish I could shake this feeling and get back on track. Been struggling with this for over a month now.