Preface: Today’s post is very stream-of-consciousness and feels very rambling. I’m letting it post with no editing outside of spelling and grammar so that you can see how my mind works in more or less real time.
As readers of the blog from the beginning and my followers from Facebook know, I DJ for an internet radio station that started as a player-run radio station for players of the City of Heroes MMORPG. The game has since ridden off into the sunset – I’ll not bore you with the details, but closing the game was not a popular decision among its players. The station now covers a trio of games through another development studio and hosts an IRC chat on its website for those loyal listeners who choose not to play one of the new games.
Recently my wife and I (she is also a DJ) purchased a new laptop for the purpose of broadcasting. We got one or two decent shows out of the machine and then we started having connectivity issues. We think that it’s due to having three laptops, two smartphones, two tablets, a printer, a smart TV, a DVR/cable box, and a Blu-ray player all hooked up to the same wi-fi simultaneously. We could be wrong, but we believe we just might be onto something there.
To combat the problem, I’ve installed the software on my laptop, which is a beast of a machine, and taken the phones and tablets off the network. The printer and entertainment devices have to remain on, but that means that during shows we’ll have six machines vying for bandwidth and not eleven. Hopefully this works, as we’ve had this bandwidth issue before and had to stop broadcasting for a number of months.
Not sure what we’re going to do with the new broadcast laptop. It’s a convertible laptop/tablet and would be suitable for most any other everyday computing function, as well as being imminently portable. Might turn it into a writing machine. While the laptops we have are portable, they’re not anywhere near as portable as the little Taichi is, and sometimes I just want to go to a coffee shop and write.
Likewise, my little checklist book has taken a figurative beating over the last few days. Lots of things that I’ve been forgetting to do or just haven’t felt like doing. I’m still perfect on the medication regimen, however, so at least the important things are getting done. It feels like depression is just on the other side of the hill I’m cresting, and I don’t like that feeling of impending crisis. I feel more and more disconnected from my social circle with every passing day. It seems like I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth and I can’t pinpoint why. Feelings of failure in not adhering to my checklists more closely, perhaps? Fatigue from not sleeping much or well recently? A little of both?
I’m wanting to be social, on a small scale. Having a friend or two over during my day would go a long way toward making me feel more connected. Larger than that, however, and I start feeling anxious. We’re having a Yule party in a week and a half, and I’m starting to wonder if skipping it is a good idea due to my being so antsy lately.
I’m torn between a nap or a walk being the best thing for me right now.
Real-time edit: Just got a call from someone that went like this …
Me (in a hesitant singsong voice): Helloo?
Caller: Who am I speaking with?
Me: I’m not comfortable just giving you my name without you identifying yourself or your company.
Caller: I think I have the wrong number. (click)
Now I’m torn between a nap, a walk, or a session of knifing pixels in the back to vent my newfound frustration. I can feel the conversation eating at me, and I’m getting madder and madder the more I think about it.
This is life with borderline personality disorder. Pinging from extreme to extreme with little notice and less instigation, with everyone else around you struggling to keep up with the frenetic pace of your mood swings. One of the go-to books on BPD is called “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality.” That’s a fitting title. At times we’re pushing people away from us that we love, at other times, we’re desperate for that connection and security of knowing the other person will be there. There are times that I feel like the only reason my wife stays with me is that she has BPD too and we just know how to deal with one another. There’s no losing information in translation; I don’t have to explain what I’m going through because she goes through it too. With other relationships, I haven’t been so lucky.
I have a history of my mental illnesses causing friendships, close friendships, to end. When I was in high school I had someone tell me, quite bluntly, that they weren’t going to be hanging out with me anymore, that they were telling mutual friends not to invite me anywhere she was likewise going to be, and that I was “too depressing to be around anymore.” I don’t remember her name or her face, but I remember that conversation clear as day.
It’s days like today seems to be turning out to be that all I can remember is the bad stuff, and I realize that the checklists are there to keep the monsters at bay. If I’m doing something constantly; if I’m always occupied and don’t have the time to sit and think about life, the universe, and everything; if I’m busy doing busy work … I don’t have time to get depressed or let my thoughts run away with me.
I can’t wait until my DBT group starts on the 10th. I’m getting really tired of this crap.